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IN THIS SECTION, YOU WILL: Get a summary of several resources to help you communicate more effectively, provide good feedback, and lead tough conversations.

KEY POINTS:

  • “So What! How to Communicate What Really Matters to Your Audience” by Mark Magnacca focuses on tailored communication for IT professionals. It emphasizes the importance of relevance and audience understanding to enhance the effectiveness of technical discussions.
  • “Radical Candor” by Kim Scott provides a framework for IT leaders to combine personal empathy with direct challenges to foster robust team dynamics and honest communication, which is crucial for project success and team development.
  • “Never Split the Difference” by Chris Voss introduces negotiation techniques from high-stakes FBI scenarios, adapted for IT and software architecture discussions, to help professionals achieve better outcomes through strategic empathy and questioning.
  • In his book “Supercommunicators”, Charles Duhigg offers several lessons to help you communicate better than ever.
  • Goulston, a psychologist, consultant, author, and frequent TV contributor, has written an insightful book “Just Listen” that delves into effective communication via listening. .


This text presents three practical and influential resources I’ve found beneficial for IT and software architects to enhance their communication skills.

  • “So What! How to Communicate What Really Matters to Your Audience” by Mark Magnacca focuses on communication techniques emphasizing clarity, audience understanding, and relevance. It teaches how to convey ideas effectively by understanding the audience’s needs, utilizing clear messaging, and engaging through stories and interactive dialogue. The book provides specific storylines and scenarios to apply these techniques.

  • “Radical Candor: Be a Kick-Ass Boss Without Losing Your Humanity” by Kim Scott - This guide is essential for anyone who aims to build strong teams and foster open communication. Scott introduces the concept of Radical Candor, which combines personal care with direct challenges, helping leaders provide honest feedback while building genuine relationships. The book outlines various quadrants of interaction styles, including Ruinous Empathy and Obnoxious Aggression, providing a framework for understanding the effects of different communication approaches.

  • “Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It” by Chris Voss - Drawing from his experience as an FBI negotiator, Voss offers strategies for high-stakes negotiations. Techniques such as Tactical Empathy, Mirroring, and Calibrated Questions can help navigate difficult discussions and reach effective agreements without compromising goals.

  • In “Supercommunicators,” Charles Duhigg offers three key lessons for improving communication. First, effective communication relies on the “matching principle,” aligning tone and content with the conversation’s context—whether practical, emotional, or social—to foster understanding and trust. Second, most conversations fall into three categories: decision-making, emotional, and social identity, each requiring a different approach. Third, transforming any discussion into a learning conversation involves four rules: recognizing the conversation type, sharing goals, inquiring about feelings, and considering identities.

  • Goulston, a psychologist, consultant, author, and frequent TV contributor, has written an insightful book that delves into effective communication, not just listening. His book “Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone” outlines nine core rules for connecting with people. It provides twelve quick and easy techniques to achieve buy-in and effective communication.

Each resource can equip IT architects with the tools to improve their communication and leadership skills, which are crucial for influencing stakeholders, driving successful project outcomes, and managing teams in the fast-paced technology field.


So What!

“So What? How to Communicate What Really Matters to Your Audience” by Mark Magnacca is a guide for effectively communicating your ideas and solutions to stakeholders, team members, or clients. This book emphasizes the importance of delivering clear, concise, and relevant messages that resonate with the audience’s needs and concerns. The principles outlined in “So What!” can serve as an inspiration for IT architects to enhance their communication skills, ensuring their technical insights are understood and valued.

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Key Concepts from the Book

The book underscores the paramount importance of knowing your audience. This understanding, which includes their interests, concerns, and motivations, is the bedrock of effective communication. It also emphasizes the necessity of focusing on the “So What?” factor, urging communicators always to clarify their messages’ relevance and why the audience should care. Clarity and brevity are also essential—you should deliver messages straightforwardly, avoiding jargon and complex terms.

Another critical point is keeping the audience engaged; interactive communication helps maintain interest and promotes better understanding. Finally, preparation and practice are essential; rehearsing your communication ensures clarity and builds confidence in your delivery.

Structured Framework

The book proposes a structured framework to communicate ideas clearly and persuasively. The framework suggests that each communication has three main parts:

  1. A short introductory narrative describing:
    • Context: Sets the stage by providing the background information or the current situation. It helps the audience understand the environment or circumstances in which the issue or opportunity exists. Not everyone knows the situation as you do.
    • Trigger: Describes which specific event or observation prompts the need for discussion or action right now. It highlights what has changed or what new information has come to light that necessitates addressing the issue.
    • Question: The pivotal “so what!” question that captures the main concern or the central issue that needs to be addressed.
  2. One key point that is a focus of your storyline. It should provide a clear and concise answer to the question from the introductory narrative.
  3. Supporting points: These support the proposed answer with data, examples, or logical reasoning. They provide the justification for the recommendation and help convince the audience of its validity.

This structure helps ensure that communication is clear, logical, and persuasive, making it easier for the audience to understand and buy into the proposed solutions.

Storylines

Stories and analogies can make technical concepts more relatable and easier to understand. Mark Magnacca provides practical tips on communicating different types of messages. He describes various kinds of storylines you can use to communicate almost any topic:

  • Action Jackson: A simple storyline describing steps. Use it when you want to spell out an action plan. Build it to map overall recommendations and supporting steps. Avoid it when the audience still needs to be convinced.
  • The Pitch: Articulates and supports a recommendation. Use it when you need to persuade someone. Highlight your value proposition ‘right up front.’ Avoid being glib; your supporting reasons must convince your audience.
  • Traffic Light: Use it for status updates. It enables you to provide an overview and explain your current position in detail. Avoid being sloppy.
  • Close the Gap: Use it to gain your audience’s buy-in in one meeting. Explain where you are and where you need to get. Build it to outline the case for your action plan. Stick to storyline rules so your audience supports your action plan.
  • Houston, We Have a Problem: Use when you need to convince an audience of a problem and talk them through actions. Great at combining diagnostics and action. Maps problems, the cause, and resulting steps. Avoid overkill; it is about convincing.
  • To B, or Not to B: Use to take your audience on the journey through your thinking. It argues for one particular option. It enables you to explain first and then make recommendations last. Make sure it’s complete - great when you need to work through all options, not just one option you like.
  • Watch Out: This storyline persuades the audience of the need to change direction. It combines what’s working, risks, and action in the same story. Maps what’s succeeded, the risks, and remedies. Avoid crafting a narrative that flows without compelling logic.

Inspiration for IT Architects

“So What?” is relevant for IT architects because it focuses on effective communication—an essential skill for this role. IT architects often need to convey complex technical ideas to stakeholders, team members, or clients, and this book provides strategies to ensure their messages are clear, concise, and relevant.

Key concepts from the book emphasize the importance of knowing your audience, which includes understanding their interests, concerns, and motivations. By focusing on the “So What?” factor, IT architects can make their messages directly relevant, explaining why the audience should care about their insights. The book also stresses clarity and brevity, encouraging communicators to avoid jargon and complex terms.

Engaging the audience through interactive communication and storytelling is another critical point. The book suggests using analogies and stories to make technical concepts more relatable. For instance, different storylines, such as “Action Jackson” for action plans or “Houston, We Have a Problem” for diagnosing issues and suggesting solutions, help structure messages effectively.

By applying these principles, IT architects can enhance their communication skills, ensuring their audience understands and values their technical insights. These skills lead to better project outcomes, improved stakeholder relationships, and effective team collaboration.

Here are a few examples of how you could use “So What!” techniques in IT practice:

Example 1: The Pitch

Scenario: Proposing a new tool for automated testing.

Introductory Narrative:

  • Context: Our current testing process is time-consuming and prone to human error. We have previously evaluated several tools and identified Tool X as the best option for automation. At that point, we decided not to adopt it due to a lack of resources.
  • Trigger: Recent delays and errors in the last project highlighted the inefficiency of our manual testing, reopening requests to adopt an automation tool. However, adoption of the tool would require additional resources.
  • Question: Why should we invest resources and adopt Tool X for automated testing?

Key Point:

  • Tool X is a cost-effective solution aligned with our technology platform that will increase efficiency, save costs, enhance accuracy, and scale with future growth.

Supporting Points:

  • Tool X reduces testing time by 50%, saves $100,000 annually, minimizes human error for more reliable results, and can quickly scale to accommodate future growth.
  • These benefits make Tool X a valuable addition to our testing toolkit.

Example 2: Houston, We Have a Problem

Scenario: Addressing a critical performance issue in the software.

Introductory Narrative:

  • Context: We use a legacy database with known performance issues. Until recently, database performance was manageable and did not negatively affect user experiences.
  • Trigger: Since this week, users have reported slow response times, impacting their experience.
  • Question: How do we resolve this performance issue?

Key Point:

  • The performance issue is serious and will not disappear by itself. We need to take proactive steps to resolve it. We must thoroughly analyze, optimize queries, and likely reindex the database.

Supporting Points:

  • The performance issue is due to inefficient database query optimization.
  • We will diagnose the problem, pinpoint inefficient queries and indexing issues, implement optimizations, and continuously monitor performance to ensure improvement.

Example 3: To B, or Not to B

Scenario: Deciding between two software development frameworks.

Introductory Narrative:

  • Context: We must select a framework for our next project.
  • Trigger: The deadline for project start is next month.
  • Question: Which framework should we choose?

Key Point:

  • After evaluating both, Framework A is the best choice.

Supporting Points:

  • Framework A offers high performance and extensive community support but has a steep learning curve and higher cost. Framework B is easier to use and cheaper but has limited scalability and a smaller community.
  • Based on our requirements and long-term goals, Framework A aligns better despite its higher cost.


Radical Candor

“Radical Candor: Be a Kick-Ass Boss Without Losing Your Humanity” by Kim Scott is a resource that can inspire IT architects who engage in critical conversations. The book provides a framework for giving and receiving feedback, building solid relationships, and fostering a culture of open communication. These principles can enhance team dynamics, project efficiency, and job satisfaction.


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Key Concepts from the Book

Scott defines a feedback-providing communication framework as having two access points: the directness of challenge and the amount of personal caring. Based on this framework, she describes four quadrants, representing different styles of how people provide feedback:

  • Radical Candor (Ideal): Caring personally while challenging directly.
  • Ruinous Empathy: Caring personally without challenging directly.
  • Obnoxious Aggression: Challenging directly without caring personally.
  • Manipulative Insincerity: Neither caring personally nor challenging directly.



Radical Candor is the only favorable option, which only happens when you:

  1. Care Personally: Show genuine concern for your team members’ well-being and career growth.
  2. Challenge Directly: Provide honest, straightforward feedback to help team members improve.

“Radical Candor” offers a framework that IT architects can use to enhance their leadership and communication skills. By applying Scott’s principles of caring personally and challenging directly, IT professionals can build stronger teams, foster a culture of continuous improvement, and drive successful project outcomes. The contrasting examples from other quadrants (Ruinous Empathy, Obnoxious Aggression, and Manipulative Insincerity) illustrate the importance of balancing care and directness to achieve the best results.

Feedback Interactions

Radical Candor work also promotes the Center for Creative Leadership’s SBI Model as a tool for providing structured and constructive feedback. It helps in delivering feedback in a clear, concise, and focused manner by breaking it down into three key components:

  1. Situation: This involves describing the context or specific situation in which the behavior occurred. It sets the stage for the feedback by providing background information, which helps the receiver understand the circumstances surrounding the feedback.
    • Example: “During our team meeting last Friday…”
  2. Behavior: This is about pinpointing the specific behavior observed. It focuses on what the person did or said without interpreting or judging the behavior.
    • Example: “…you interrupted several colleagues while they were speaking…”
  3. Impact: This articulates the effect of the behavior on others, the team, or the project. It helps the receiver understand the consequences of their actions.
    • Example: “…which led to some team members feeling undervalued and disrupted the flow of the meeting.”

For future reference, the Radical Candor authors have developed a derivative of the SBI model called the SWI Model, which is adapted to focus more on the work performed and its outcomes. It consists of:

  1. Situation: This remains the same as in the SBI model. It involves describing the context or specific situation in which the work was performed.
    • Example: “During the development phase of the project last month…”
  2. Work: This replaces the “Behavior” component with a focus on the specific work product, project, deliverable, or performance goal. It highlights what was done, achieved, or delivered.
    • Example: “…you developed a comprehensive report on market trends…”
  3. Impact: As in the SBI model, this component articulates the impact of the work product or specific performance. It explains the effect or outcome of the work.
    • Example: “…which provided valuable insights that helped shape our marketing strategy and increased team confidence in our approach.”

By using the SWI model, feedback is tailored to emphasize the quality and impact of the work itself, making it particularly useful for performance reviews and project evaluations. Both models aim to provide clear, actionable feedback that helps individuals understand their strengths and areas for improvement, fostering a constructive and supportive feedback culture.

Inspiration for IT Architects

“Radical Candor” is highly relevant for IT architects because it provides a comprehensive framework for giving and receiving feedback, fostering open communication, and building strong team relationships. Here’s why this book is essential for IT architects:

Enhancing Communication Skills

Effective communication is critical in IT architecture; clarity and precision are paramount. The principles of Radical Candor help architects to:

  • Provide Clear Feedback: By combining personal care with direct challenges, architects can give feedback that is both respectful and constructive, helping team members understand their strengths and areas for improvement.
  • Receive Feedback Openly: Encouraging a culture of openness where feedback is welcomed and acted upon can lead to continuous personal and team growth.

Building Strong Teams

IT projects often involve cross-functional teams with diverse skill sets and perspectives. Radical Candor fosters an environment where:

  • Trust is Built: Architects can build deeper trust and stronger relationships by showing genuine concern for team members’ well-being and career growth (Caring Personally).
  • Performance is Enhanced: Challenging team members directly about their work (Challenging Directly) ensures high standards are maintained, and issues are addressed promptly.

Improving Team Dynamics

Radical Candor helps in navigating team dynamics by providing a framework to:

  • Address Conflict Constructively: Instead of avoiding difficult conversations (Ruinous Empathy) or being overly aggressive (Obnoxious Aggression), architects can handle conflicts in a kind and firm way.
  • Avoid Miscommunication: By being clear and direct, architects can reduce misunderstandings that often arise from vague or insincere feedback (Manipulative Insincerity).

Fostering a Culture of Continuous Improvement

The principles from the book encourage a culture where continuous improvement is a norm:

  • Encouraging Innovation: By providing candid feedback and encouraging team members to speak up, architects can foster an environment where new ideas and solutions are actively pursued.
  • Promoting Learning and Development: Regular, honest feedback helps team members learn from their mistakes and grow professionally, which is crucial for keeping up with the fast-paced IT industry.

Applying Feedback Models

The SBI and SWI models discussed in the book are practical tools for structured feedback:

  • SBI Model (Situation-Behavior-Impact): Useful for immediate feedback on specific behaviors.
    • Example: “During the code review meeting (Situation), you identified several critical bugs (Behavior), which helped us avoid potential issues in production (Impact).”
  • SWI Model (Situation-Work-Impact): Focuses on the work product and its outcomes, suitable for project evaluations.
    • Example: “In the last sprint (Situation), you refactored the authentication module (Work), which significantly improved the system’s security and performance (Impact).”


By adopting the principles of Radical Candor, IT and software architects can get inspiration on how to improve their leadership and communication skills, leading to more effective teams and successful project outcomes. The balance of personally caring and challenging directly helps create a work environment that values honesty, respect, and continuous improvement.


Never Split the Difference

“Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It” by Chris Voss is an good read for IT and software architects who frequently face challenging conversations and negotiations—drawing from his experience as an FBI hostage negotiator, Voss shares effective techniques and strategies that you can apply directly to IT architecture and software architecture discussions, ensuring better outcomes without compromising on critical objectives.

“Never Split the Difference” means not compromising or settling for less than what you want in a negotiation. Instead of agreeing to a middle-ground solution where both parties give up something, Voss advocates using strategic and psychological techniques to achieve a more favorable outcome. The idea is to aim for the best possible deal rather than a mediocre one that leaves both sides partially dissatisfied. For instance, the teams can agree to work on two projects to avoid blame and tense discussion even if they know they lack capacity and the planning is too optimistic. They then fail both projects. Alternatively, they should reject or postpone one project and commit to delivering the other one with a lower risk of failure.


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Key Concepts from the Book

The books apply several vital concepts and techniques you can use under challenging negotiations:

  1. Tactical Empathy: Understanding and actively listening to the counterpart’s perspective to build rapport and trust.
  2. Mirroring: Repeating the last few words the other person said to encourage them to elaborate.
  3. Labeling: Identifying and acknowledging the other person’s feelings to validate their emotions.
  4. Accusation Audit: Preemptively addressing any negative assumptions the other party might have.
  5. Calibrated Questions: Ask open-ended questions that begin with “What” or “How” to steer conversations and gather information. Avoid using “why” as it can sound accusatory. For instance, “How am I supposed to do that?” is a powerful, widely applicable, calibrated question designed to make the other party reconsider the feasibility of their demand and encourage a more realistic and collaborative discussion about what can be achieved.
  6. The Power of No: Understanding that hearing “No” can be a pathway to uncovering the real issues and fostering a sense of control for the other party.

“Never Split the Difference” offers valuable techniques for IT and software architects to enhance their negotiation skills, enabling them to navigate difficult conversations and achieve favorable outcomes. By applying Voss’s strategies, IT professionals can address concerns, build consensus, and drive successful implementation of critical architectural changes.

Inspiration for IT Architects

“Never Split the Difference” by Chris Voss is a highly relevant book for IT architects. Here’s why it holds significance for them:

  1. Complex Negotiations: IT architects frequently engage in complex discussions involving multiple stakeholders, each with their priorities and requirements. Whether it’s negotiating project scopes, timelines, or budgets, the ability to negotiate effectively can significantly impact project success.

  2. Conflict Resolution: In large projects, conflicts are inevitable. Voss’s techniques provide strategies for resolving disputes amicably without compromising essential objectives. For instance, handling disagreements over resource allocation or technical solutions can be managed more effectively using these negotiation skills.

  3. Stakeholder Management: IT architects must often persuade and influence various stakeholders, including clients, management, and development teams. Understanding psychological tactics helps in gaining buy-in and support for architectural decisions.

  4. Effective Communication: Clear and persuasive communication is crucial in IT architecture. Voss’s emphasis on active listening and calibrated questions can improve how architects convey their ideas and understand others’ perspectives, leading to more effective collaboration.

  5. Strategic Thinking: The book encourages a strategic approach to negotiations, teaching architects to think several steps ahead and plan for various scenarios. This strategic mindset is valuable when designing robust and scalable architectures that must align with business goals and adapt to changing requirements.

  6. Avoiding Compromise on Critical Objectives: IT architects often face pressure to compromise on quality or scope to meet deadlines or budgets. Voss’s principles can help them advocate for solutions that do not sacrifice critical architectural integrity or long-term sustainability, ensuring better project outcomes.

Example Application:

  • Scenario: An IT architect is in a meeting where the business demands the completion of two high-priority projects simultaneously.
  • Compromise Approach: Agreeing to split resources and potentially compromising the success of both projects.
  • Voss’s Approach: Using tactical empathy and calibrated questions to uncover the business’s priorities and concerns. The architect might negotiate to postpone one project and focus resources on successfully delivering the other, demonstrating how this approach mitigates risk and ensures high-quality outcomes.

By leveraging the negotiation strategies from “Never Split the Difference,” IT and software architects can navigate challenging conversations more effectively, leading to more successful projects and a more substantial alignment with business goals.


Supercommunicators

In his book Supercommunicators, Charles Duhigg offers three lessons from the book to help you communicate better than ever:

  1. Good communication relies on matching the tone and content of the conversation.
  2. Recognize the three types of recurring conversations.
  3. Follow four simple rules to align with others in any conversation.

Duhigg reminds us that we do not have to be perfect to be good communicators. What’s important is wanting to connect, understand someone, and have a deep conversation, even when it is hard and scary, or it would be much easier to walk away. Some skills and insights can help us satisfy that desire for connection, and they are worth learning, practicing, and committing to.


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Lesson 1: The Foundation of Great Communication is Alignment

Duhigg calls the matching principle the most crucial aspect of effective communication. “Effective communication requires recognizing the type of conversation and then matching each other,” he writes.

The matching principle in communication involves recognizing the type of conversation—practical decision-making, emotional, or social identity—and aligning one’s communication style to fit that context. This principle means adjusting to others’ moods, focus areas, and emotional states to foster mutual understanding and effective interaction. Techniques like repeating and confirming what the other person has said (looping for understanding) are crucial for ensuring comprehension and trust. The goal is to connect deeply by matching verbal and non-verbal cues, demonstrating empathy, and addressing underlying emotional issues.

Aligning with others goes beyond mimicry. To become a super communicator, we must listen closely to what is said and unsaid, ask the right questions, recognize and match others’ moods, and clarify our feelings. These are challenging but learnable skills.

Lesson 2: Most Conversations Fall into One of Three Categories

To align with people, quickly identify the type of conversation taking place. This approach requires a framework that is central to Duhigg’s book. The three common conversations are:

  1. The “What’s this really about?” conversation, which is logical and analytical, requiring a decision-making mindset.
  2. The “How do we feel?” conversation, dominated by emotions, beliefs, and memories, requiring an emotional mindset.
  3. The “Who are we?” conversation, concerning our relationships, self-perception, and social identities, requiring a social mindset.

In “What’s this really about?” mode, determine what to discuss and how to reach conclusions. Understand the negotiation, identify everyone’s wants, and use data, reasoning, or compassion to achieve consensus.

In “How do we feel?” conversations, listen for vulnerabilities, understand what is unsaid, and show you are listening. This conversation involves matching moods, asking deep questions, ensuring understanding, and showing vulnerability.

“Who are we?” conversations involve navigating complex social issues. Remind everyone of their multiple identities, establish equal footing, and leverage existing roles into a new, shared group.

Many conversations encompass all three stages. Many miscommunications and frustrations happen when people are not aligned on what type of conversation they are having. For instance, it can be very frustrating if some people want to connect (emotional mindset) while others aim for a decision (decision-making mindset).

Lesson 3: Four Rules to Transform Any Discussion into a Learning Conversation

Another key takeaway from Duhigg’s book is to turn every conversation into a learning conversation. This approach helps you identify the discussion type and connect with others effectively.

Duhigg suggests four rules:

  1. Pay attention to the type of conversation.
  2. Share your goals and ask others for theirs.
  3. Inquire about others’ feelings and share your own.
  4. Consider if identities are relevant to the discussion.

For instance, if a colleague struggles with a task, determine whether they seek help, comfort, or want to be heard. Based on your assessment, settle into the appropriate mindset.

Inspiration for IT Architects

Effective communication is essential for engaging with stakeholders, gathering accurate requirements, and ensuring all parties understand each other. Equally important is recognizing recurring conversations—problem-solving, decision-making, and relationship-building. This recognition helps architects navigate various interactions crucial for project success, ensuring they are well-prepared for different scenarios.

Simple communication and relationship-building rules ensure clarity and alignment, aiding conflict resolution and strategic influence. These rules are vital for advocating ideas and gaining support. Good communication facilitates digital transformation by clearly articulating visions and benefits to stakeholders.

Moreover, these skills enhance team collaboration, ensuring better teamwork and problem-solving. Clear communication leads to improved documentation and maintaining accurate records of system designs and decisions. Duhigg’s principles help IT and enterprise architects achieve better project outcomes through improved clarity, alignment, and collaboration.


Listening Skills

Goulston, a psychologist, consultant, author, and frequent TV contributor, has written an insightful book that delves into effective communication, not just listening. His book “Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone” outlines nine core rules for connecting with people. It provides twelve quick and easy techniques to achieve buy-in and effective communication.

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Goulston explains that all persuasion involves moving people through steps he calls the “Persuasion Cycle”:

  • From resisting to listening
  • From listening to considering
  • From considering to being willing to do
  • From willing to do to doing
  • From doing to glad they did and continuing to do

The core idea is that getting through to people involves getting them to “buy-in,” which happens when they move from resisting to listening to what you’re saying. The key to achieving this is not what you tell them but what you get them to say to you and what happens in their minds during this process.

Nine core rules

Here are Goulston’s nine core rules:

1. Move Yourself from “Oh F#@& to Ok”

Stress interferes with your ability to reach people, so it’s crucial to quickly get your emotions under control. Aim to move through the following phases:

  1. Initial Reaction (“Oh F#@&”): Acknowledge your immediate emotional response.
  2. Release/Realization: Let go of the intense initial reaction or come to a realization about the situation.
  3. Recenter: Regain your composure and center yourself.
  4. Refocus: Shift your attention to what needs to be done.
  5. Reengage: Engage with the situation or person with a calm and clear mindset.

By moving through these phases, you transition from being fixated on how you think the world should be to being ready to deal with it as it is.

2. Rewire Yourself to Listen

We often size up people instantly based on what we’ve heard about them or experienced firsthand. However, these first impressions are a jumbled mix of truth, fiction, and prejudice. This means we often interact with a fictional version of the person, not who they truly are. To open the lines of communication, first, open your own mind to understand who they really are.

3. Make the Other Person Feel “Felt”

This means putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. When you truly understand each other, you can transform a strained situation or relationship into one of cooperation, collaboration, and effective communication.

4. Be More Interested than Interesting

To master the skill of being genuinely interested, stop viewing conversations as a tennis match where the goal is to outscore your opponent. Instead, think of it as a detective game where your objective is to learn as much about the other person as possible. Ask questions that show your desire to understand them, prompting responses like “I feel X,” “I think Y,” or “I did or would do Z.”

5. Make People Feel Valuable

Everyone needs to feel valuable, including (or perhaps especially) complainers, whiners, and obstructers. Both the supportive and challenging individuals in your life deserve reassurance that they matter. When you make people feel important, they are more likely to respond positively and provide what you need. While everyone competes for time, no one should have to compete for a sense of importance.

6. Help People to Exhale Emotionally and Mentally

Stress isn’t inherently bad—it helps us focus, become determined, and test our mettle. Problems arise when stress turns into distress. Although it can be challenging, allow people to vent and express their emotions fully without interrupting or judging them. The saying goes, “Forget the music. If you want to soothe the savage beast, get the beast to exhale.”

7. Check Your Dissonance at the Door

Dissonance occurs when you think you’re coming across in one way, but people perceive you differently. For instance, you might think you’re confident, energetic, and passionate, but others see you as arrogant, hyper, and impulsive. Similarly, you may think you understand someone accurately, but they might disagree. To understand how others perceive you, ask for feedback from friends, relatives, and coworkers.

8. When All Seems Lost, Bare Your Neck

When you feel cornered and defensive, resist the urge to bare your teeth. Instead, reach deeper, acknowledge your fear, face your deficiencies, and commit to improvement. As Keith Ferrazzi says, “Don’t be afraid of sharing your vulnerabilities. Vulnerability doesn’t make you weak; it makes you accessible.”

9. Steer Clear of Toxic People

Avoid people who want to con you, bully you, thwart you, or scapegoat you for their mistakes. Goulston advises, “If you’re hesitant to say ‘No,’ you may be neurotic. If you’re truly afraid to say ‘No,’ you’re probably dealing with a toxic person. And if nobody ever says ‘No’ to you, that toxic person could be you.”


Twelve Quick and Easy Ways to Achieve Buy-In and Get Through

Here are Goulston’s twelve quick techniques:

1. The Impossibility Question (or “kicking but”)

Ask, “What’s something that would be impossible to do, but if you could do it, would dramatically increase your success?” Then, after they respond, ask, “What would make it possible?”

2. The Magic Paradox

By helping someone articulate their reasons for negativity or disagreement, you can shift them towards a more positive and agreeable attitude.

3. The Empathy Jolt

When people are more focused on attacking than listening, inject empathy into the conversation. Anger and empathy can’t coexist, so strive to understand the challenges the other person is facing.

4. The Reverse Play, Empathy Jolt #2

If someone isn’t giving 100% despite having the skills, instead of criticizing them, mention ways you might have disappointed them. By apologizing, you shift them out of defensive mode and encourage them to mirror your humility and concern. “An ounce of apology is worth a pound of resentment.”

5. Ask “Do You Really Believe That?”

Before solving someone else’s problem, find out if there really is a problem.

6. The Power of “Hmmm…”

Respond to someone who is mad and defensive with neutral phrases like “Hmmm,” “Tell me more,” “Really?” “Then what happened?” or “What else can you tell me?” Avoid defensiveness and delve deeper.

7. The Stipulation Gambit

Instead of hiding a weakness or problem, neutralize it by openly expressing the misgivings people have about you. This will likely gain their positive and undivided attention.

8. From Transaction to Transformation

Move beyond transactional communication to relating by asking questions that reveal deeper thoughts and desires. Use questions that prompt responses like “This is what I think,” “This is who I am,” “This is what I want to achieve,” or “This is how you can play a part in making my life better.”

9. Side by Side

During shared moments, ask questions and deepen the conversation with more questions, using the Socratic Method. This works better than lecturing, encourages revelation, and builds understanding.

10. Fill In the Blanks

Use a fill-in-the-blanks approach instead of direct questions to invite people into the conversation. This makes them feel you’re talking with them rather than at them.

11. Take It All the Way to “No”

Push for what you want until you receive a “no.” Then, move from “no” to “yes” by acknowledging you might have pushed too hard or missed something important. Use the fill-in-the-blanks approach or other questioning techniques to build on the moment.

12. The Power Thank You and Power Apology:

  • Power Thank You: Use when an ordinary “thanks” won’t suffice. It has three parts: reference something specific the person did for you, acknowledge the effort it took them, and explain the personal impact of their act.
  • Power Apology: When warranted, use the 4 R’s: Remorse, Restitution, Rehabilitation, and Requesting forgiveness.


Inspiration for IT Architects

Mark Goulston’s book offers valuable insights for IT Architects, emphasizing the importance of effective communication. The core idea is that successful persuasion involves moving people through a “Persuasion Cycle” from resistance to listening, considering, willingness to act, doing, and eventually to satisfaction and continued action. Fundamental principles include managing stress to maintain clarity, genuinely listening to understand others, and making people feel valued and understood. IT Architects can benefit from these principles by building stronger relationships, enhancing collaboration, and fostering a supportive team culture. Techniques such as empathizing, asking insightful questions, and acknowledging contributions can lead to better project outcomes.

Additionally, vulnerability, seeking feedback, and avoiding toxic influences help maintain a positive work environment. Goulston’s twelve techniques for achieving buy-in include encouraging creative problem-solving, addressing resistance, using empathy to diffuse tension, and engaging in meaningful conversations to understand deeper needs. One of the most essential techniques is acknowledging contributions. By recognizing the efforts and achievements of team members, IT Architects can make them feel more appreciated and motivated. By adopting these strategies, IT Architects can improve their leadership and communication, ultimately driving more successful projects.


Questions to Consider

  • In what ways can understanding your audience’s needs and motivations enhance your presentations or meetings?
  • What challenges do you face when delivering messages that contain bad news or require a significant change? How can the “Houston, We Have a Problem” storyline help in these situations?
  • Reflect on a recent scenario where clear and concise messaging could have changed the outcome. What would you do differently now?
  • How often do you use stories and analogies to explain technical concepts? Can you think of an analogy that effectively illustrates a complex idea you often work with?
  • What techniques from “Radical Candor” could you use to improve the feedback culture within your team?
  • How might tactical empathy improve your negotiation skills in IT project discussions?
  • Think of a time when mirroring a statement could have helped you gather more information or clarity during a discussion. How might you apply this technique in the future?
  • Which calibrated question could you have used to guide the discussion more effectively in a recent challenging conversation?
  • How do you prepare for important communications or negotiations? What practices ensure you are clear and confident in your delivery?
  • How do accusation audits and labeling emotions affect your interactions with project teams or stakeholders?
  • What are your strategies for handling unrealistic expectations from upper management or clients? How could negotiation techniques from “Never Split the Difference” help in these situations?
Appendix 2: Tools for Developing Soft Skills
← Architect Archetypes
Appendix 2: Tools for Developing Soft Skills
Working With Toxic Colleagues →